Yesterday was awful.
I'm starting to doubt my ability to take care of a 3 month old baby. (If you are new: I am a nanny of a baby, a 3 year old, and a 5 year old)
Some days I truly feel like a rock star--Singing to the baby, feeding the baby, rocking her to sleep, making her smile and coo so hard she scares herself by the very noises she makes.
Other days, like yesterday, I feel like a failure--Not heating up her bottle to the "perfect" temperature she likes it (causing her to cry), not being able to get a burp or two out of her (causing her to cry), not picking her up at the right moment after her nap (causing her to cry), not being able to soothe her with words, hums, songs, or rocking (causing her to cry)..
..Giving her all the love and tenderness I have and having her reject it, reject me, and continue to kick and scream for hours.
Hours.
Yesterday I cried with her as I held her in my arms. I tried every position possible to hold a baby and nothing worked. I left her alone thinking she may cry herself to sleep and of course, her cries only grew louder and louder.
I was a wreck. I was tired. I was angry. I was stressed. I was helpless.
I put the baby in her carseat and simply drove around my neighborhood for 45 min until she finally calmed down all the while, I had continued to cry. Then I picked up her two older sisters from school who, when in the car, touched, kissed, and smothered their sleeping baby sister (causing her to cry once again.) I raised my voice at the girls and then quickly apologized and explained it had been a rough morning and asked for their forgiveness. We all hugged and I put on my go-to-katie relax-kids sleep cd by The Weepies.
It worked.
I drove home in silence with only the wind in my hair and my Weepies playing, bringing me to another place.
I am still recovering from yesterday. I wish I could say it as a freak thing and will never happen again but the truth is..it will and it has happened before. It has never brought me to tears before (I may blame that to my almost-time-of-the-month) but all I know is I was tired. I was angry. I was stressed. I was helpless.
Lord, I need your strength..your patience..your wisdom. Please help my body not stress when times get hard..please give me peace..please allow me to see the end goal..
Can I really do this?
As a mother of 2 and one on the way - I can totally empathize. The fact that you are their nany and you have bad days like this only proves the point of 'Its hard taking care of kids'.
ReplyDeleteIt just is. My girls are 10 and 7 and there are some days I just want to run away...still. And now my baby boy will be here in January and I am starting over - again. It can be overwhelming at times just thinking of starting over...
Anyway, I just wanted to offer a few words of comfort and tell you, you did - and are doing - the right thing by A) just crying :) tears are cleansing! B) when you got loud with the big girls you asked forgiveness (that is what we are supposed to do ... no one in this world is perfect) and C) you are praying to God about it...about what goes on inside you to make you feel this way.
It will be okay. This is not the last time it will happen. Those girls love you - obviously.
Dont be too hard on yourself and dont give up. It happens to ALL ladies that take care of children - whether they are the true-Momma's or the Momma's-that-take-part-time-care :)
You can do it! And you have already proven that you can do it well. Just by reading your post I can tell you are a wonderful nanny and caretaker, you did everything in your power and that alone is so loving and caring that that lil baby is very blessed to have someone who cares and loves her as much as you do that it makes you cry when she is unhappy and you want to fix everything and make it better... it is hard sometimes when you realize you aren't Superwoman or have magic powers (because honestly sometimes that is honestly what it takes to make an unhappy baby happy) but you are human and so is the little one, you both just had off days her in the sense of not feeling well or being content and you in the emotional sense and frustration (which we all have those days) I promise you every day wont be like yesterday :)
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. My little guy had terrible colic--constant crying and screaming for about 3 months straight. It was awful. As if it weren't hard enough to just deal with the crying itself, there's so much more tearing you apart mentally and emotionally, as you very obviously experienced--I can't handle this, I don't know how to get through this, I'm not being a good mother/nanny to this child, I must be doing something wrong, how can I give this little person the love they deserve and need when I can barely contain my own frustration. I think just the fact that you're worrying and praying and thinking about it means that you're doing a good job--you care enough to want to handle tough times well and not just get angry and fight your way through. I think every woman struggles with this--how to handle difficult moments with kids in a loving way. I struggle with it probably every day. Hang in there, it'll get better, and I'm positive you're doing a wonderful job with the kids :-)
ReplyDeleteOh, Katie! You did everything right! Sounds like it was an off day for everyone. It's so hard when they can't tell you what is wrong. I've been there too. I hope Adam gave you a big hug last night! These days happen, and you're right it won't be the last one like this, but God is gracious, and you'll get through them all. They get fewer and fewer as they grow and learn to communicate. I hope that you get lots of rock star days to compensate for the off days!
ReplyDeletethat was my entire last week! and I only have two boys! trust me kids bring you to higher highs and lower lows! although you are their nanny, sounds like you are just like any mom is... last week i cried at least 7-8 times! haha
ReplyDeletealso, before i stayed at home (which is the hardest job as you know :) I was a teacher and i remember a quote from a training and this lady had been teaching for 30+ years and she said you cant "ruin" a child in a day, a week or even a year! i realized its true, they still love you and if you do the best you can, everyone will be fine!
Hi Katie! I'm sorry you had a bad day. I have a 5 year old boy, a 3 year old girl, and a 3 month old baby and believe me I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY. I totally agree with all of the comments so far, sometimes the days are just hard and there is nothing you can do. I'm sending you a big blog hug and I hope you have a better day today!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a mommy yet, but I can already believe that being a GOOD one is the hardest job any woman will ever have. I can totally sympathize with feeling helpless, frustrated, and needing to cry...keep leaning on the Lord! I've found that after my wost moments at my job, He always brings something amazing--"the joy that comes in the morning." I hope you have a better rest of your week!
ReplyDeleteHey-been there! You're not alone!! I've had many days that started in crying & ended in crying (both for me and my daughter).....it's unavoidable! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteSounds like motherhood. You will have some bad days (even as a nanny) but the good days will be more and way better. Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself. We've all done it a time or two.
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself!! We all have bad days sometimes - even babies! The only difference is that we can tell people when something is bothering us and when we want to be left alone, etc. The fact that you are even taking care of 3 children under the age of 6 ALL BY YOURSELF is something to be proud of. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteHi Katie, I've been meaning to write and say Hi! I've been following your blog for a couple weeks now. I stumbled across it looking for a Fall wreath to make (I made the acorn wreath :), and have since felt drawn into your life... Thank you for sharing your life/stories. It is so honest, encouraging, and inspirational. I feel like we have so much in common (I'm 27, married, living in WV, into crafts, DIY house remoldeling with my hub, hiking, etc.). I'm so glad I found your blog, it feels like meeting a new friend!
ReplyDeleteRough day yestarday...but it shows how much you care about those kiddos (and I'm sure the parents are SOOO glad to have found you, not all parents are so lucky). Hopefully today is going much better! Good luck, stay positive ~Little Things Bring Smiles :)
I'm so sorry you had a bad day! All the comments so far are right - you are doing a good job! I have a 3 (almost 4) year old and an 8 month old - I can't imagine throwing in a 5 year old with it. I've had my fair share of crying with the baby too. (It gets WAY better once they hit the 6 moth mark, at least I think so!). Keep talking to the Lord, and I will say, for me it helped to get into a good routine with the baby -it takes a little of the guessing out of what is wrong. :-) Praying for you to have a much better day today!
ReplyDeleteKatie, you have such a hard job! I love that you're honest and sharing how you depend on God. He will give you strength and love for the girls. Crying is so hard to listen to. It will get better, though. At this age, sometimes there is nothing you can do, so don't put all the pressure on yourself. You are such a wonderful caring nanny! Give yourself some me-time, and it will get better!
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