Yesterday was awful.
I'm starting to doubt my ability to take care of a 3 month old baby. (If you are new: I am a nanny of a baby, a 3 year old, and a 5 year old)
Some days I truly feel like a rock star--Singing to the baby, feeding the baby, rocking her to sleep, making her smile and coo so hard she scares herself by the very noises she makes.
Other days, like yesterday, I feel like a failure--Not heating up her bottle to the "perfect" temperature she likes it (causing her to cry), not being able to get a burp or two out of her (causing her to cry), not picking her up at the right moment after her nap (causing her to cry), not being able to soothe her with words, hums, songs, or rocking (causing her to cry)..
..Giving her all the love and tenderness I have and having her reject it, reject me, and continue to kick and scream for hours.
Yesterday I cried with her as I held her in my arms. I tried every position possible to hold a baby and nothing worked. I left her alone thinking she may cry herself to sleep and of course, her cries only grew louder and louder.
I was a wreck. I was tired. I was angry. I was stressed. I was helpless.
I put the baby in her carseat and simply drove around my neighborhood for 45 min until she finally calmed down all the while, I had continued to cry. Then I picked up her two older sisters from school who, when in the car, touched, kissed, and smothered their sleeping baby sister (causing her to cry once again.) I raised my voice at the girls and then quickly apologized and explained it had been a rough morning and asked for their forgiveness. We all hugged and I put on my go-to-katie relax-kids sleep cd by The Weepies.
I drove home in silence with only the wind in my hair and my Weepies playing, bringing me to another place.
I am still recovering from yesterday. I wish I could say it as a freak thing and will never happen again but the truth is..it will and it has happened before. It has never brought me to tears before (I may blame that to my almost-time-of-the-month) but all I know is I was tired. I was angry. I was stressed. I was helpless.
Lord, I need your strength..your patience..your wisdom. Please help my body not stress when times get hard..please give me peace..please allow me to see the end goal..
Can I really do this?