.This is Me.

This post has been brewing in my heart and head for some time.

It will be long.
It will be REAL.
This is me.

I am writing about my life including all of the ups and downs that have gotten me to where I am now. I will discuss my weight, my relationships with boys, and my spiritual walk. Why? I am optimistic in thinking it may help someone and show how God answers prayer and changes lives. 

This is my story.

Let me begin this journey by taking you back to high school. Meet high school senior, Katie Morrow.

Here I am at the age of 18 years old. I was captain of my Field Hockey team, voted "Best Personality" for our yearbook, was in the top 30 rank of my class, and had a fantastic group of friends.

Sounds wonderful, right?

It was! I look back on high school fondly and remember the good times I had and everything I learned. Why am I mentioning this time in my life then..? Well, there was something that all of my girlfriends had that I did not..

A boyfriend.

I seemed to have been viewed as "one of the guys" by the opposite sex. Not exactly ideal for a high school girl. I admit, my jeans were my best friend and I sported them everyday with a different t-shirt, hooded sweatshirt, sneakers, or flip flops while all of my girlfriends wore cute skirts, boots, and dresses. Why didn't I dress like them? The answer is simple.

I was not the same size as them. 

Even at a young age, I had hips and curves you would have seen on a woman. I did not want to be a "woman" with a "womanly figure" as my parents always assured me of and complimented..I wanted to be a tiny, petite, and stick-like girl in high school. All of my girlfriends were cute as a button and knew how to work it with the boys. They always had boyfriends and I did not. I was not shy around boys, but I never felt pretty like my friends and this hindered my confidence. I was 5'6" and 130lbs my senior year. (I would LOVE to be this size again now!) My girlfriends were closer to 100lbs and short, dainty little things. There were a few friends who were actually taller than I was and still much, much thinner. Why wasn't I thinner? I played sports throughout the year, did not eat badly, and did not fill my body with drugs or alcohol..why was I not thinner? Why was I not confident in my body?

With prom quickly approaching my senior year, I knew my group of friends and I were planning a weekend down the shore. Do you know what my mind instantly thought of?

Bikinis.

Yes. I knew my beautiful, thin girlfriends would be wearing tiny bikinis and looking amazing in them.

I took action. 

I began dieting to drop some weight to "match" my friends. I drank a slimfast shake for breakfast and lunch and ate whatever my mom made for dinner. I also completed 30 minutes on our exercise bike every other day and lifted 10lb weights. I only did this routine for 3 weeks and dropped 10lbs. 

I felt amazing. 

I remember shopping at Old Navy with my mom for new Spring clothes: skirts and tank tops! One day, a really good friend (who just happened to be a boy) made a comment to me that meant the world..I did my hair and makeup nice and wore one of my new outfits (I had also gone tanning a few times for prom) and this friend said to me, "Katie you look really good. Have you lost a little weight? I've noticed you stopped wearing sweatshirts." 

Wow. 

This was the most amazing thing and gave me the one thing I had been missing: confidence. I remember feeling beautiful at our senior prom. I was confident. I was happy. I weighed 120lbs.

High school was over and I was entering the next stage in life: College! I attended Liberty University in the fall of 2005. Virginia felt very far away from NJ but it was nice being on my own. I made great friends instantly and really enjoyed myself..cannot say the same about some of the rules at LU back then but I got over it! Something else was also different..

Boys noticed me!

They did, they did, they did! The first two weeks of being at college and one boy in particular took special interest in me..and I took special interest in him. Fast forward one month and--

I had a boyfriend! 

My first "official" boyfriend as I refer to him. (There were some boys in high school but after realizing what they were not going to get from me, it ended.) My freshman year of college was a blast and I really enjoyed my group of friends I had made. My boyfriend and I dated the entire year and we were in love. I had never felt like this about a boy before and when he would tell me, "I love you," I honestly thought this was it--I have found the one!  

Towards the end of the school year, I noticed my boyfriend making little comments about my body. For example, as I was finishing a bowl of ice cream, he would say while flicking my thigh, "Wow, it's like the ripple effect." And things like, "You know where that's going to end up." At the time these comments meant nothing to me and were said with a smile. My girlfriends at college disagreed with me and said it was not acceptable. I did not listen to them. I defended my boyfriend..the man I loved. I thought these comments were not affecting me and that I was simply brushing them off. I was aware my weight had gone up and down all year but felt okay since my highest was 135lbs. By the end of my freshman year I had lost 16 lbs..I guess his words actually stuck inside after all. I weighed 119lbs.

And then..it happened. 

I received "the" phone call. 

The one that changed my life forever. "Katie, I want to go on a break for the summer." 11 words that still cause my stomach to turn. The man I loved decided he did not want to be with me.

I was devastated.

My life as I knew it was over. (I know how this sounds, a bit dramatic, but it was at the time.) We had been together for an entire year--he was my first boyfriend--he was the first boy to tell me "I love you"--I was a complete wreck!

What did I do? I began running. I began eating less. I began weighing myself. I began lifting weights. I began dieting.

Why did I do this? My boyfriend said, "a break for summer" that clearly meant he would probably get back together with me at school--that clearly meant I had to look my best--that clearly meant I had to be thin and in shape to get him to like me again--that clearly meant I had to eat less and work out more. (I wish I could have shaken my old self to see the truth!)

Here is where the hard part of my story begins. The part I remember so closely..the part I screwed up. 

During the "break" from my boyfriend I knew I had God by my side. I spent most of that summer apart from my friends and my family. I spent it alone with God. I prayed to Him and read His word daily. I knew God would bring my boyfriend back to me..I knew He only wanted the best for me and would never do anything to hurt me..I knew if I "delighted myself in the Lord, He would give me the desires of my heart." I prayed and asked the Lord to bring my boyfriend back to me, I prayed he was having a good summer, I prayed he was thinking of me time to time, I prayed and told the Lord my desire was to be with my boyfriend, I prayed and told the Lord I was reading my Bible and seeking Him so I deserved to get back together with him.

(Are you beginning to see where I went wrong emotionally, physically, and spiritually?)

The summer was never ending and in my case, this was not a good thing. I had gotten the most depressing job working in a factory doing line work. I had a six hour shift and I opted to skip my lunch hour so I could be home one hour earlier. I was drinking a slim fast shake for breakfast and not eating lunch. I would weigh myself every time I walked into my room where I was "hiding" the scale under my bed. When I got home from work I changed into my workout clothes and drove myself to my high school track. 

I ran. 

I ran until my body gave out on me and I fell to the ground. This is how I knew I had completed a "sufficient" workout to get my body in the shape my boyfriend wanted to see. (Oh what my mind was thinking back then!) I picked myself up, drank lots of water, drove home, ate a small snack, and went to bed. My mother would then wake me up with dinner in her hands and on occasion, I would eat it. Many nights it just sat there on my nightstand as I continued to sleep. I would sleep until I heard my alarm go off the next morning. I went in to work and did the same routine for weeks. Here is a photo of my mother and I half way through the summer of 2006. I weighed 114lbs.

Something else pretty radical happened: I cut my hair. 

Short, shorter than tinker bell. While at LU, my boyfriend always made comments how he thought short hair looked cute on girls and would always point out those girls to me..I had long hair the entire time we were together. So I did it, I cut my hair the way my boyfriend wanted to see it. (Please notice how big my eyes and nose look on my face in the short hair photo and how balanced everything was in my senior portrait.)

By the end of the summer, my body was thin and toned. I was tan and had the perfect short hair do. I knew I'd be back with my boyfriend in no time! And then..

My boyfriend drove to my house in NJ. This was it--the day I had been dreaming and working so hard for--the day we were going to be back together forever! The moment I saw him my heart was beating out of my chest, I was shaking everywhere, and I loved him so much more than ever before. We hugged and went inside and sat on my living room couch. He said, "I missed you Katie..." This was the best thing my ears could have ever heard and then he continued..

"I missed you as a friend."

For however long he was there, I don't remember..I don't recall what I said..I know I made a fool of myself with my tears. It was pitiful, I was pitiful.

He went home and I knew we were not back together. 

How could he do that? I cut my hair for him..I ran for him..I was dieting for him.."I WAS EVERYTHING HE WANTED ME TO BE!!!" And yet, I was alone. I prayed and yelled at God for not giving me the desires of my heart. I did not understand what I did wrong--I was doing everything right..working out, dieting, reading my Bible, praying, loving him--everything right! What happened?

It was a few weeks before my sophomore year at Liberty was beginning. I was going back and so was he. I told myself there was still hope in us getting back together, it would be just like old times..I weighed 111lbs at 5'6"..

We were all back at LU. My friends were shocked at my appearance and I didn't understand because I "looked good"..I was thin and in shape! Within no time at all, I saw "him" everywhere and he saw me. I tried speaking to him but he avoided me. He deleted every picture of us together on facebook, deleted our messages..he was deleting me from his life. I did not know what to do. We met at the same time freshman year and made all of the same friends. I could not go anywhere or see anyone because he was there. Pretty soon my group of friends at school were upset with me because I was never around and not there for them. I could not get the courage to tell them it was because of him. I could not keep it together around him, my heart would break all over again. I was alone and felt pathetic..I was pathetic! My girlfriends on the dorm were wonderful and I am so thankful for the many nights they held me and slept next to me in our tiny bunk beds. Life as I knew it was over, I had no hope for the future because my boyfriend was my future. Now he was gone. I weighed 110lbs.

I continued to pray and seek God's word daily during this time because I knew I had missed something over the summer. A friend shared with me I had been creating a false hope about getting back together with my boyfriend and I had to face reality. Reality that we were over. I did not fully understand at the time what this friend was talking about and at a campus church service my life was changed again.

Clayton King was a guest speaker at LU during their Spiritual Emphasis week. I remembered liking him my freshman year so I wanted to hear him speak. Problem was, I had no one to go with. My girlfriends were out with their boyfriends or were with "the group" of friends I could not be around, because he would be there or his name would come up. What did I do?

I went alone. 

I attended the church service alone that night. I sat by myself in a corner and tried to be as invisible as possible. I was a mess. I felt like I was holding my breath the entire night hoping he would not be there..hoping he would not see me like this. Clayton began speaking. The message was about giving it all to God. Laying our burdens, pain, suffering, heartache at His feet. Releasing it all to Him and trusting He would bring peace and comfort. 

It clicked.

Everything just clicked at that moment. I had to sacrifice everything I had been holding on so dear too--the memories of us, the pictures of us, the letters we wrote--the words spoken between us--everything! I gave it all to the Lord that night. I asked him to release me from it all and to give me a new heart. A new heart to love again, a new heart to worship Him with, a new heart to begin living again. At that very moment, I opened my eyes and noticed I was standing..and crying. I felt a wave of heat rush through my body and I felt lighter. 

I smiled.

Just as my vision became clear through my tears, I saw the lyrics on the screen and heard the music. Everyone was singing "In Christ Alone." That was it--all I needed was Christ!! All of this time I was putting my boyfriend first over the Lord. God is a jealous God and He simply wanted all of me!!! He took my boyfriend away so I could focus my eyes on Him and to seek Him first. God made me see in that instant how I was reading scripture wrong--If you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart--this meant God would instill His desires for us in our hearts making them then become our desires. I was blocking God's desires for me because I was so set in what I wanted and what I needed, not what God wanted and had planned for me. 

I was broken and humbled before my Lord.

My prayers changed that night. Instead of demanding what I wanted from God, I gave it all to Him. I thanked Him for working in mysterious ways to bring me back, I prayed He would guide me down His path for me and to keep my faith strong..strong enough to keep my eyes on Him. I asked God to take everything weighing me down off my heart..I asked Him for a new heart.

He did it.

My head saw everything clearly..I saw what my girlfriends had seen and told me about..I saw what I was doing to my body..I saw why my parents were concerned..I saw what my body actually looked like..I saw this was no way to live..I saw I was burning more calories working out than I was actually consuming..I saw that my boyfriend was not a bad man..I saw his words were not meant to harm me..I saw how I let his words affect my brain and my image of myself..I saw the extreme matters I took..I saw how we were not meant to be together..I saw what I had to do. 

I was still hurting and was very sensitive but I knew the Lord was watching over me and guiding me. My heart was filled with love and I was comforted by my Heavenly Father. 

I started to smile more.

My days were brighter and I looked forward to waking up in the morning. I enjoyed eating the foods I had been avoiding for months. I loved meeting new people and gaining more friends. God was giving me confidence. God was giving me love. I was learning what it meant to be happy and living for God. I began each morning reading my Bible and was constantly blown away with what God was teaching me. I had been reading scripture wrong for so long that I was finally learning what God meant in His word and not what I wanted it to mean for my life at a particular time. I prayed God would allow a friend to come into my life that was new and would be a positive influence on me spiritually and physically..I prayed that someday God would introduce me to a man that was what I needed, a man who would communicate everything to me and never leave me wondering and guessing.

Jump ahead another month. I weighed in at 117lbs. I was on the path of getting healthy when I met someone..

I met Adam Everett Miller and my life as I knew it changed again! 

We met through a mutual friend and after a few facebook messages back and forth and a "friend request" our relationship blossomed into a fabulous friendship. Adam and I instantly became what felt like life long friends after only 2 weeks! The two of us made sense and we needed each other..we needed the friendship. God answered my prayers by introducing me to somebody new, somebody who did not share any part of my past, and somebody who "communicated" a little too much :) 

Adam was different. 

I recall telling my roommate after we had our first official date that I was "intrigued" by him. For all of you wondering just what it was that "intrigued" me..let me take you back to our first date. 

We met in front of the LU theatre to watch a production called, "Parade." I simply thought we were hanging out until I saw my ticket in his pocket--he paid! "Must be a date," I told myself! During intermission we stepped outside in the hallway and began telling one another about our families. After the play, Adam asked me if I wanted to go on an adventure--my answer, "Sure! Why not?!"

We snuck up on the roof of Demoss, the largest building on LU's campus. Adam knew about staircases I had never noticed before and led me up..and up..and up..until we reached a metal ladder and a small door in the ceiling. He said, "ladies first," and I climbed. Why did I do this? What was I thinking? At the time I did not know anything about this boy! He could have done horrible horrible things to me! But I climbed..I trusted him.

On the roof we were obviously all alone. The stars were shining so bright and the wind was blowing. It was a cold October night and I remember my toes freezing because I insisted on still wearing flip flops. We laid down on our backs just starring up at the sky while Adam spoke. He talked, and talked, and talked! It was amazing--I had never heard a boy talk so much in my life! He was asking all kinds of questions and I politely answered. Before I even realized it, I was telling him about my past..about my first boyfriend..about my heartache..about how I chose him over God..about what God was teaching me now..about my body..about my weight..it all came out.

(You are probably thinking, "What? That is the number one rule: Never speak about past boyfriends on a date, especially your first date!!!")

I broke the rule and lucky for me, Adam soaked up every word I said. He thought I had issues and you know what--I did! At that time I did! I was still trying to understand why my first boyfriend stopped loving me..I was trying to feel only God's love. Before leaving the roof to make it back for curfew, Adam took my hand and we danced. No music needed. I remember thinking to myself, "This guy has watched one too many movies." But I enjoyed it, I enjoyed him. Here is a picture from our first hike together. I weighed 117lbs.

Adam and I began dating as "boyfriend and girlfriend" a week later. The whole thing was so strange. I was still healing from my breakup and how I treated my body over the summer. I was not ready to be in a romantic relationship but I was. Adam was in need of a friend at the time he met me. He had been going through some pain of not feeling accepted by his group of friends..he was trying to find his place. We just "worked." Here we are at a Halloween party in October of 2006.

God led us to find one another. The first 6 months of our dating relationship was simply an amazing friendship. We built such a solid foundation and told each other everything about our past, our struggles, our insecurities..you name it we spoke about it! We had no secrets with each other and built a trust. The more we knew about each other, the more we liked and our romantic relationship took off. Adam was extremely respectful and after hearing my story about my first boyfriend, he promised himself to never say, "I love you," unless he knew it meant forever. Below photo is from Spring of 2007. I weighed 128lbs. I was healthy (and my boobs came back!).

On our 2 year dating anniversary, Adam told me he loved me for the first time..then he put a ring on my finger. I weighed 133lbs on our engagement in October of 2008. Here is the video Adam made documenting our time together as well as his proposal. (Warning: You may need a tissue..we get a "little" emotional)

God changed my life yet again and answered my prayers. He gave me a new heart. He allowed me to love again. He led me to another man. A man I would marry. A man I would worship the Lord with..a man who would lead me..a man who would love me..a man who would always communicate with me..a man who would have positive influences on me..a man who would be by my side always. Our wedding day was incredible on June 20, 2009. I weighed 139lbs.

Where are we now? Adam and I are happily married with our 2 year wedding anniversary quickly approaching. We are the proud parents of one adorable shiba inu and are about to close on our very first house. We are happy. We are living for God. This picture was taken on our honeymoon in Lake George, NY.

We are striving to make ourselves better for God and for each other. 

This means..

It's time to lose weight and get in shape for our health and one another. Since our wedding day, both Adam and myself have continually gained weight. I wish I could say its been only a small amount but we are pushing 20lbs each. My current weight is 157lbs. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. You know what?--I know this is not the end of the world but I can feel it. I can feel the rolls on my back while standing up straight. I feel out of breath while walking Colden down the street. I feel tired all the time. I don't like it..I need to change it. These pictures were taken just last weekend. The candid shot reveals how I feel about my body. Look how I am standing..I'm trying to cover up with my arms and not standing tall..clearly not confident.

In the summer of 2006 I got down to a very low weight of 110lbs and 5 years later I am at 157lbs. I have gained 47lbs in 5 years, 20 of which in the past 2 years.

This is not a pattern I want to continue. 

I understand where I went wrong back in 2006. I cannot blame anyone but myself. When my life was back on track, I began putting weight on and I was flooded with compliments from my family and friends how good I looked. 

Well..

I continued gaining weight and now--it is time to diet and exercise THE RIGHT WAY..A HEALTHY WAY..FOR GOOD REASONS! My head is on straight and my heart is with God and my husband. We are all doing this together. My goal is to be fit and healthy. I am ready to feel my young age of 24. 

The three pictures below show where I started my weight problem at 110lbs in 2006, when I was at a healthy and happy weight of 135lbs in 2008, and my current weight of 157lbs in 2011. I am 5'6" and would love to have my high school figure back..(the very body I disliked back then..I was crazy!)

I have amazing support from Adam and the Lord. My family has no idea I am writing about this very personal topic..in fact, some of this may be news to them. I decided to share this story of my heartache, walk with the Lord, and my weight because through all of it I have become the woman I am today. God answered my prayers by giving me a new heart..by giving me Adam..by clearing my head to see things as they are..I am happy. I love my life and feel extremely blessed. It is time for me to give back to God by honoring my body and of course, the hubs will also benefit :) We have spoken about getting pregnant and currently I do not want to have a baby inside my body at this time. I am not strong. I am not healthy. I am not prepared. I need to be these things for my baby to develop. I am..

Nervous.

I remember how easy it was for me to skip meals, over exercise, and weigh myself constantly. I remember.  

How will this time be different?--I am not alone and not doing it to impress anyone. I am exercising 3 days a week doing a 12 minute high intensity workout. I am drinking one slim fast shake in the mornings with a banana. There is no scale in our home. Our refrigerator is filled with fresh fruits, vegetables, yogurt, and nutrient rich juices. The pantry has delicious low fat soups, rice cakes, nuts, and granola bars. Our freezer is packed with lean chicken and ground turkey. Vitamins are now a part of my everyday diet. Friends..

I am getting healthy!

It will be a slow process but a healthy one. I have completed one week of exercising and eating right and guess what--I have had more energy!! My relationship with Adam has been awesome all week. He has assured me it is the simple fact I am trying to better myself and how that is all men need to know about their spouse..that we are trying. Even though I am feeling energized and "pumped" to stay on track I need your help.

I need your prayers and support. 

Prayers I do not fall back to any of my old ways and support to keep me motivated in a healthy direction. Sitting here right now I can hardly believe everything I just typed and shared with you all. This stuff is deep, like really really really deep. 

It's me..the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

I hope my story has inspired you, helped you, and taught you more about God. I am excited to share my current adventure with you and keep you updated on my progress. A very big thank you goes out to everyone single one of you who made it all the way down to the end of this post. I mean it.


THANK YOU.


{Update and Celebration}