.Oh Pregnancy.

I have been wanting to write this post for months and now I am typing still unsure of what I will say and worrying about sounding negative and ungrateful. Before I allow my mind and fingers to take over and do their thing, here is the ultimate truth:

I am honored my Heavenly Father chose me to be a mother.

I feel like a woman embracing my changing body.

I am privileged to experience the gift and pure miracle of pregnancy.

I feel a love brewing deep inside of me like none other.

I am comforted knowing my body was created to carry and deliver this little baby inside of me.

I feel the Lord's presence with each tiny kick.

I am amazed how God used my husband and I, together as one, to form this precious life.

I feel overwhelmed with joy and excitement thinking of my husband as a father.

I am happy.

I am blessed.

I am loved.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As a little girl I did not dream of my wedding day or my prince charming, I dreamt of becoming a mommy. Though I did not understand pregnancy at this early stage in my life, I understood how special God created women--He gave us the opportunity to be with child. 

Dating Adam made this desire to be a mother become real; it painted an actual picture of a life I could have if it was in God's plan. Lucky for me, the Lord blessed Adam and I with an engagement..a wedding..a marriage..a life together..and now a baby.

This pregnancy has taken me and my poor body by surprise. It has not been how I imagined it would be growing up, it has not been what movies and television portray it as, it has not been what the blogging world and Pinterest display it as--it has been ugly and some of the most difficult times in my life thus far.

I have struggled with migraines and cysts my entire adult life and truly clung to the hope that becoming pregnant would solve everything..that it would finally balance my body out and take away the pain I have dealt with for years. Friends, it has not. This pregnancy I am afraid has only caused my body to become more unbalanced hormonally and has been the source of more headaches, more migraines, more sickness, more emotional breakdowns, and ironically more cysts. 

It has been difficult and I have physically felt miserable for months. 

The first trimester felt like it took years from my life. I am producing tears in my eyes as I type thinking back to those dark moments. For the first 8 weeks I was trapped. Trapped by sickness, trapped by depression, trapped by fear, trapped by pain, trapped in our house, and literally trapped in bed. I could barely get myself up to use the bathroom let alone shower. I have never experienced such extreme nausea in my whole life as I did during those first few months. It sent my body into panic attacks--heart pouding out of my chest, cold sweats, jelly legs, and goosebumps encompassing my entire body, screaming with fear of throwing up, head exploding with pain, crying out thinking I was dying. 

It sounds dramatic. It was but it was also real, too real.

My gag reflex was at an all time high and had me in absolute silence because talking caused a gagging fit which usually ended in spitting up bile. I had to sequester myself in our back bedroom. My nose could not handle any smell, even of lovely things like shampoo! The kitchen and refrigerator were my enemies. The mere thought of what was inside of the fridge sent me straight into sickness. Food became a necessity and a horror all at the same time. I needed to constantly snack to help deal with my nausea but the look-feel-smell-taste of food caused my body to cringe and stomach to be in knots.

It was a true battle, one I did not often win.

My migraines were out of control and because I was pregnant, I could not take my usual medications to help relieve the pain. I was helpless. Extra strength Tylenol, a head rub, and an icepack can only do so much when you are in a ridiculous amount of pain. I cried which only made the pounding in my head increase but I could not help it. I cried out to the Lord to end the pain. I just cried. When I tried to shower to bring relief to the headache I would end up curled in a ball on the shower floor preparing myself to faint which actually happened numerous times. It was awful.

My body had also produced two cysts (I am guessing before my body became pregnant) and as my body made room for my growing uterus and baby, the added pressure made the cyst pain unbearable. I could not walk, cough, sneeze, laugh, or attempt to go to the bathroom (pushing was not an option) without feeling a sharp stabbing pain. 

I was never alone during these times. I had my Heavenly Father with me every second and my husband.

I am having trouble finding the words to describe my husband during this ultra sensitive and difficult time and am wiping tears from my cheeks as I think of him. Adam is my best friend, my husband--this means he loves and likes me. Well friends, I saw and truly felt for the first time exactly how much my husband loves me and it touches my heart. He has been incredible and allowed me to feel God's love through his touch and his actions. Adam missed days at work to be with me, to take care of me, to love on me. He felt helpless through it all when in reality he did everything right. Adam knew when to be silent and simply hold my shaking body. He knew when to bring me a few cheese slices and immediately walk away. He knew when to pray out loud over my body, over our baby. He knew when I needed to be distracted and how to do so. He knew when to be stern with me causing me to eat and drink. He knew when to sit by my side in bed and caress my hair until I fell asleep. He knew when to rub my head and say "I'm sorry," during a bad migraine. He knew when to sit on the bathroom floor and tell me stories while I showered making sure I would not be alone in case I fainted.

I am crying right now. Father God, thank you for blessing me with this man. My life is better because of him. I am better because of him.

When Adam and I finally decided to tell our parents at 8-9 weeks pregnant my mother shared information with me I never thought of--call the doctor and get medicine! Moms are brilliant! My doctor scheduled my first visit for when I would be 10 weeks along so I did not have the chance to speak with her yet about anything. I had absolutely no idea there was medicine you could take while being pregnant. Adam came through once again and called my doctor for me since even that small task was a challenge for me. He brought home medicine to help with my nausea and I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. I instantly took my first dissolvable pill (generic Zofran) and immediately felt a change. It was nothing drastic but just enough to get me eating and actually attempt leaving our bedroom.

I had hope.

Adam had a business trip in DC for an entire week and was torn up about going. I was not able to truly function on my own yet and was scared to be alone for that time. The Lord worked it out for my parents to visit over Thanksgiving (they are from NJ, we live in VA) and for my mother to take a week off from her job to stay with me while Adam was away. I am beyond blessed with a family who loves me and willingly makes sacrifices for me. Having my mother here was exactly what the doctor ordered--she brought me such comfort, gave me loving advice, helped ease my mind during anxiety attacks, prepared every meal for me, took care of the girls I nanny so I could make my income for the week, tickled my back for hours as we watched movies together, helped cure my awful and most painful constipation I had for two weeks thanks to prune juice, Metamucil, and suppositories (things I never would have done if she was not here). My mother did was she does best..be a mom. I felt so loved the week she and I spent together and will remember it forever.

The remainder of the first trimester did not look much different than what I described earlier. A big change was the medication (both for nausea and for my migraines) and the relief it gave me. It was just enough for me to sit with Adam in our living room and watch a movie..just enough for me to take a shower without fainting..just enough for me to get my own snacks..just enough to laugh again. I was not well but my spirits were lifted.

I was ready for the second trimester and for all of this sickness to leave my body.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second trimester came and unfortunately no change. My body was consistently getting migraines, dealing with severe constipation, struggling with constant nausea, and had produced painful acne on my back and face. I continued to miss a lot of work and found myself depressed. I had been told by friends, family, and my doctor that the second trimester would be better--that my sickness would be gone, that I would feel good and enjoy pregnancy. When I realized this was not true my emotions were everywhere. I was never angry at God but I wondered what His plan was for me during this pregnancy. I wondered why I was suffering while other women felt alive and energetic and had that 'glow.' I felt (and still do) like I deserved a break from pain after all I had gone through in the past.

And then it happened.

Weeks 16 and 17 were a blessing from the Lord. I felt like Katie again and was able to wear real clothes, put make up on, and visit our friends! Adam and I were convinced I finally got over the sickness and this was a brand new chapter in this pregnancy.

After those two wonderful weeks my body was stricken again with sickness. This time it was mostly nausea and gagging. I could not bend over without gagging--could not speak to my husband without gagging--could not even sit in our vehicles without gagging--could not swallow any pills without gagging--could not even walk into the kitchen without gagging--it was awful. Once my body took over and was in the middle of a full, violent sounding gagging fit it would end with me spitting up whatever I had just eaten or drank or bile.

I am now 22 weeks along in my pregnancy and still sick. I continue to take a nausea pill before bed every night as well as my migraine medicine when it is needed (which is sadly quite often). I also take 2 stool softeners every night along with an average of 4-5 tums per day. I swear even a glass of water gives me heartburn. I am doing better in the sense I can prepare and cook certain meals, I can get myself up and showered and to the school to pick up the girls, I am able to run a few errands with Adam, occasionally go out to dinner with Adam, visit with friends and family for a short amount of time, and "attempt" at keeping up with dishes and laundry.

The truth is, I barely get out of the house besides for work but I am okay with that. I am comfortable at home, I have all my food at home (it's still a battle as nothing and everything sounds good and bad), my bed at home, my husband and dog at home. Adam has been given the name 'Chef' because he makes dinner every night after working a full day. He has continued to amaze me with his love and desire to take care of me. That man has done more cooking-cleaning-dishes-and laundry than I'm sure he ever thought he would do and has done it all with a smile knowing how much I appreciate his help and how happy it makes me.  He adds joy to this pregnancy and even during the hard times he finds a way to make me smile.

When people ask how I'm feeling I struggle to answer.

Do they really want to know I have been constipated for days and my stomach is as hard as a rock? Do they want to know I have to eat every hour to keep my nausea at a minimal? Do they want to hear about the painful, disgusting acne covering my entire back? Do they want to know I haven't showered in days? Do they want to know I cried myself to sleep the night before? Do they want to hear my sweet husband has been sleeping in our guest bedroom this entire pregnancy because I have trouble sleeping?

My response has been a simple smile and, "I'm okay. Taking it day by day. Some days are good while others are miserable. I'm okay."

It is hard for me to appear weak to others but things are looking up. The Lord is teaching me more about myself and molding me into the woman He desires me to be. When I am having a good day it is filled with love and laughter. My relationship with God and Adam have strengthened tremendously through this pregnancy. I ask for your prayers as I am only half way through--prayers for strength, optimism, and relief from the nausea and migraines. It has been a difficult journey thus far but I already know it is worth it.

I am honored my Heavenly Father chose me to be a mother.

I feel like a woman embracing my changing body.

I am privileged to experience the gift and pure miracle of pregnancy.

I feel a love brewing deep inside of me like none other.

I am comforted knowing my body was created to carry and deliver this little baby inside of me.

I feel the Lord's presence with each tiny kick.

I am amazed how God used my husband and I, together as one, to form this precious life.

I feel overwhelmed with joy and excitement thinking of my husband as a father.

I am happy.

I am blessed.

I am loved.

Here I am at 20 weeks.