.Guilt.

Guilt.

This is an emotion I can honestly say I have not experienced until recently in life. I am going to open up and share what's been on my mind and in my heart hoping some will lift up the situation in prayer. Two nights ago, I found myself showering around midnight and crying. My tears mixed with the shower water and I was a complete mess. I prayed and prayed hard. My body, my mind, and my heart became filled with guilt and I begged for forgiveness from my Heavenly Father. I asked Him for strength to change my ways and for the words I needed.

You see..a very close family member of mine, my aunt who has been a second mother to me over the years, came down with a very rare disease about 5 years ago. The disease slowly began eating away at her body resulting in slurred speech, memory loss, and a decrease in her motor skills. As this was happening, I had thoughts. My thoughts were not good thoughts..in fact, the complete opposite. I did not believe these things were happening to my aunt and thought it was an act. An act? Yes, I accused my aunt of craving more attention and acting up when around certain family members so we would feel sorry for her. Why did I think these things in my mind? In my heart? My aunt was a wonderful woman and was always there for me my entire life. Why all of a sudden I was choosing to focus on lies..lies that I made up? This is where the guilt began.

With each passing year, my aunt's poor body was shutting down on her more and more. After only 2 years, the aunt I knew and loved growing up seemed to be gone. Her body was there, but her mind was elsewhere. At this time, I saw what it was doing to my uncle. He always looked tired, stressed. His heart started giving him troubles after his mild heart attack years back. My uncle's life became filled with doctor visits for my aunt and himself. He worried all of the time, wondering what was right, the best to do for his wife, his best friend.

My uncle had been a second father to my brother and I growing up. My aunt and uncle never had children of their own and treated Scott and I with love like we were their own. They loved us..they were so proud of us. And then..we both got married and moved away, 8 hrs away. My brother and sister-in-law live in Chesapeake and Adam and I live in Lynchburg Virginia. I can only speak for myself and know, ever since college and marriage, I have not been there for my aunt and uncle.

Guilt? Yes, more guilty feelings for this girl. As soon as my aunt's illness became real to me, I realized I missed the last few opportunities to converse with her, let her know I loved her, that Jesus loved her..that I was here for her. Instead, I chose to believe she was acting and making it up, scribbling her handwriting on purpose and forgetting names of family members. That was 4 years ago. Today, my aunt is sad. Her heart is still pumping and she can still speak a few words but it breaks my heart remembering who she used to be..the fun, energetic, opinionated aunt who was never afraid to speak her mind and never hesitated to tell you how much she loved you. My uncle needs his family more than ever and here I sit, feeling guilty for not being there..not calling..not visiting..why? Why do I feel scared to talk to my uncle? Why don't I simply pick up the phone and call?

I feel poorly for the things I thought a few years back. I am scared what to say to them..how do you talk to someone who can barely hear you and understand you? What do I say to my uncle? He knows I've let him down..he knows I have been distant. My prayers are asking God for grace, strength, and bravery to get over all of it and change..make a change..to pick up that phone, to write my uncle a letter, to send them a video of Adam and I talking to them. Anything, just something to let them know they are on my heart and in my prayers and that I love them both. I do, I always have. I just have not been knowing how to express it to them since my aunt got ill..I want to help, I want to make them laugh, I want to tell them both more about God and how He sent His son for us..for them..I want to do these things but my guilt gets in the way. I start asking myself questions..Did I miss my chance? Am I too late? Is my uncle upset with me?

Friends, I am sad. My family does not know how much longer my aunt will be around and I continue to not call..what is wrong with me? Adam and I received a package from them with housewarming gifts! Yes, my uncle went shopping and mailed me a package. Why is he so good to me when I have been so distant to him? I really want to make a change but I need help, I need your prayers. I need to get over everything and just deal with it. I love them and miss them terribly. They need to know that, plain and simple!

I am not even sure what I just typed, my fingers just did their thing. I'm stuck in a strange place right now and would like some wisdom and prayer. Being real here..and these are thoughts I have not shared with anyone, anyone. It's always easier to write things down instead of verbalizing them, right?